I Got Your Waldo Right Here.

Dearest Tim,

While the tone was decidedly negative, I appreciate you taking the time to write those letters. I do not want to give you the satisfaction of a irrational, emotionally-charged response. So I won't. Instead, I will take the high road (a road I frequent in my everyday life, and a road it seems you have yet to find) and point out a few things that might make you appreciate a celebrity like myself for who I am instead of degrading and attempting to change everything about me. Your ad hominem attacks serve no purpose. It seems to me that you may be displacing your anger, but that's for you to figure out. For now I offer this response:

First of all, in you're second letter you mentioned that you assumed I wanted an apology. Wrong. I deserve an apology. I am the subject of countless books, pleasing children around the world. Waldo knows no language. I'm like music. I'm in more countries than McDonald's. I am everywhere.

I am everywhere, and nowhere at the same time. That's the beauty. There are still pages in my books that I cannot be found (and rest assured - I'm there, just hidden). I am figuratively nowhere and literally everywhere. Wrap your head around that.

As for my wardrobe you so unnecessarily attacked, please completely evaluate yourself before judging others. If I'm not mistaken, your favorite zip-up hoodie happens to be striped, does it not? The same hoodie you got for Christmas this past December and wore the rest of the day. Ya, didn't think I'd do my homework did ya? I'm everywhere. Don't forget it.

Besides, there are great people in American history that have worn the same outfit everyday. Doug Funnie sound familar? He owns the green sweater vest. My red stripes and blue pants are my trademark. You should wear the same thing one day and see how many people call you by my name. I'll set the over-under at 36.

What is it the kids say these days? Don't hate the player...hate the game? Ya, that. It seems to me you may be jealous of my fame, and are simply taking that jealously and turning it into blind rage against me personally. It's ok. I understand. There can't be too many books with your goofy grin on the cover. It must be tough. No one is taking time out of their day to continually look for you ? That's got to be hard. I can't even imagine what that's like.

Oh, and you're supposed to be this big music fan? Some fan you are. An Outkast reference? Really? What is this - 2003? Get current my man. I'd like to say you're better than that, but I'm not sure.

So how about you stop taking time out of your life to senselessly attack mine? Now, at least, you know how it might feel. I may look like a friendly, stripe-wearing, French-seeming, non combative vagrant, but I assure you; I can bite back. You just woke a sleeping giant. You have no idea what you mess with. This is nothing.

I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast (yes, I eat pieces of crap for breakfast...you're so predictable).

So don't mess with the best, or you'll end up as meaningless extra on my pages like the rest.

Savy?

Your friend (and friend to millions around the world):
Waldo

p.s. I am fluent in English, French, Portugese, Mandarin, Japanese and the native tounge of the Democratic Republic of Congo. Any questions?