An Open Letter to the College Students of America

It’s a dark time at the University of Dayton.

Ghetto basements are locked. Stray bullets are fired into random homes. An evil Nazi dictator is our vice president for student development.

Many UD students have begun taking matters into their own hands. Flyer News, for instance, has received dozens of letters to the editor shedding light on these weighty issues. Multiple public forums have been held allowing students to debate and discuss plausible solutions that would not only make our campus community safer, but could even improve the quality of life in poverty stricken neighborhoods all over America.

I am writing to you, young adults of this nation, your heads filled with dreams of what the world could one day become, because I also have a solution. A credible idea that, if implemented correctly, could change the way this university, and potentially the world, operates.

Pay close attention. Flaming bags of dog poop.

Consider this: Food prices have skyrocketed this year at UD’s dining halls. Students are being taken for everything they’re worth. Why not track down the head of dining services (Kenneth J. Cosgrove, 346 Dorothy Lane Road, Oakwood, OH, 45469), grab a nice durable paper bag—recycled, preferably (We can’t change the future without any trees!)—scope out several nice dog droppings (Keep in mind that dried canine poop burns longer and elicits a much more potent fragrance. I recommend storing a handful or two in a shoe box under your bed to age properly in case of emergencies.), and engulf it in flames directly on the gentlemen or madam’s porch.

Before ringing the doorbell, it is absolutely essential that one leaves a note explaining one’s motives. Change cannot occur if the wrongdoer is not aware of his or her injustices. For this example, something along the lines of “Hey man, that’s seriously not cool about the food. You’re mean and you don’t do your job so good. I hate you,” would be absolutely perfect for a situation of such magnitude.

Do not be alarmed when a carton of milk only costs a nickel the next morning. Change will be swift, and terror will spread to evildoers.

In sum, many of you know that I coined the phrase “Some people see things as they are and say why. I dream of things that never were and say why not?” The same is true of what this proposition hopes to accomplish. Remember these words when your school’s semester exam study days are stolen from you, or when you read about starving children in Africa, or when your girlfriend dumps you because you just so happen to like the way her underwear shapes your junk.

Always remember: Freedom is just a flaming poop bag away.